Thought: The Art of Saying "NO"

If you are one of those, that have difficulties in expressing a negative reply or a rejection to a group or single person, Welcome Aboard! :=)
I have tried a set of small, but useful experiments in my life and it had turned fruitful, on 98/100 situations. Well, on the other two occasions I didn't even give it a try! :=) (Meaning, I just gave in to it!)

As most people think, Saying ‘No’ is not just an art, but is also an etiquette. And it is also important how you say it. You should be able to deny or reject politely without hurting the person at whom your refusal is aimed. You may wonder why this is important. Well, put yourself in the other person’s shoes (let's forget the sizes here ;-) ) and think, what would you prefer – a rude refusal or a polite and courteous one? Undoubtedly the latter.
As it has been said – “Do unto other what you would have others do unto you.”
Be courteous is the protocol to follow. The reasons for your refusals may vary in a sizeable manner from being a minuscle ripple effect as that of a small stone thrown in a pond to an adverse tsunami effect caused by natural calamity in the Oceans. Ideally, you must adapt to the situation and act accordingly. However, it is essential to keep the basic governing rule the same – be courteous. There is no need to alter your stand if you are justified in refusing. If you are convinced of your justifications, be firm in your refusal but try not to hurt a fellow human being with harsh words.... Absolutely, but for how long before you loose control of your temperament, when the other person turns completely deaf ears to you and to top it all, is tossing out an indifferent stance towards you. This is the most important point, where in all of us tend to tremble being at the threshold of our temper check...end result - slash out with harsh words, throw out things, shout, scream out, yell at the top of your vioce, give up and walk away quietly....How many of us actually have been at the best of our cool to handle these situations with ease?
How many of us actually know, how to deal with people, especially when it comes to a denial being put out to them in a not-so hurtful manner?
How many of us have actually been successful in saying a "No" without hurting the other person?
Take this situation, for example. Sue had applied for a job interview and got her call fixed on a monday. Unfortunately, she meets with an accident over the weekend and is unable to attend this interview call. She calls up the HR of the organization to inform that she wouldnt be able to make it to the call as scheduled.
The HR person of the organization, being an elderly lady, took advantage of Sue's young age and responded back rudely. “Do you not have sense? What kind of accident can have you make you a phone call to us to inform but not come and appear for the same? If you were really not interested in applying for this job, then you shouldn't have, why do younger generation of these days have such a reckless attitude towards everything in life, I don't understand it. Just because you met with an accident is not going to make you invalid I am sure, why don't you let someone accompany you and attend the interview personally as planned?
I know you won't do that, as this was all a silly game that people like you love to play, fix an appointment and keep cancelling it as if we are here to entertain you all your lives.
You are behaving like uncouth villagers and not like the educated people."
Sue was very hurt and didn't have words to say and apologized over and over... All of it in vain as call was disconnected soon.
Problem here is that, Sue's recent bereavement was made out to be a matter of no consequence, which would have hurt her terribly. Moreover, the after-effects of an unpleasant encounter leave bitter feelings in their wake for everyone.

Monitor your thoughts and your words, as words once said cannot be taken back and unpleasant memories last long. We humans are essentially tender and sensitive, regardless of the tough exterior that many of us exhibit. And words are the sharpest weapons that can pierce the toughest exterior and cause an unseen wound that would take a long time to heal. It is thus extremely essential that the words that we utter should not cause harm to the sensitivity of another person. And it is not very difficult to watch your words either. The words we utter are a direct manifestation of the thoughts teeming in our mind. So it is your thoughts that you have to steer on the right course.
When faced with the task of conveying an unpleasant message of refusal, press the pause button, collect your thoughts, let compassion for the other govern your thoughts but not alter your stand. Now when you speak, your words will reflect the compassion you feel even while you are communicating a negative message. ............. Isn't it pretty difficult for a real life scenario? Sure is.....but not when you have practised it!
Refusal when implied in gentle words falls easy on the ears and the other person will be able to see your point of view. Always remember, the person will be disappointed on hearing a refusal as is, do not compound his distress by being rude and impolite, cos what you give is what you get, remember Nicolaus Copernicus who figured ages ago that the Earth has a planetary motion to go around the Sun....! (Doesn't it mean, what goes-around comes-around too? ;-) )

Thought: How Do You Relate To Your Partner?

• Sometimes you need to make a lot of friends and influence or attract people with your spontaneous indulgence of quick wits and on-the-fly-street-smartness.
  Other times, you should just test drive them and push their buttons, to see their real performance.
  
  The art of irritation can, in fact, be just as valuable as the art of persuasion. How so? Let’s start with the problem: people are good liars and actors…but remember, only up to a point where in they have reached the saturation point, where-in the elasticity gives-up snapping at your face smugly.
  
  What if it were possible to fast-forward relationships, whether with new friends, business partners, or romances?
  
  What if in a mad pace life’s frames just roll by to get past the celebratory fascia of minutiae and let us see their true tendencies underneath all those bitter-sweety or sweet-poisony relationships?
  
  I’ve been experimenting with methods of “Tearing the veil apart” or “Ripping the mask off” as you might say, and after all those back-breaking, mind-numbing, number-crunching statistical bar graphs and pie charts that I had to come-up with on “Behavioral Analysis of Male Sapiens”, I here by conclude that, this test can be carried out successfully without having to pawn out your entire life, in the process of understanding or getting to know each other completely, just like those underdone blocks of bricks staggering all the way through their life, until the last minute, being under a stumbling down building. A hedgehog must know better than to befriend a fox and get peed on before getting preyed on!
  
  Relationships comes out with a price-tag of supreme attention and time, and I would rather want only those people in my life, whose personalities and intentions will uplift and strengthen me instead of draining and demoralizing me.
  
  Identifying problems early begins with recognizing a banality:
  
  Dealing with adversities doesn’t primarily build one’s character— it ONLY reveals it.
  Therefore, by putting someone under pressure or in a difficult situation, you can pull back those glossy and dazzling outer covers and get a glimpse of what’s lying beneath, that would surface a few months or years down the line. And because little things are smaller samplings of the big boulder sized things, you can always choose to do the Sampling Test.
  
  These tests may include simple things like,
  
• Judging how they react to last minute changes in your dinner/date plans.
• Gauging their reactions to sudden/unexpected monetary crisis situations, like making them pay for your treat in the last minute, as you realize and apologize profusely that you have forgotten your wallet at home. As the adage goes, some wonderful human beings turn into irrational idiots for matters involving few bucks.
• Testing their patience at public places where-in you have to wait for long to get your turn for the service in a Q-line or at a restaurant.
• Trying to figure how they react to a loud-mouthed or dominating family member of yours.
• Evaluate their biases against specific races and social classes, which are usually fast to emerge after there is any unexpected physical contact. Take them somewhere extremely crowded where they’ll be inadvertently bumped, preferably where they are exposed to people of different races and of lower socio-economic classes.
• Assess their determination for hygiene, sanitation and need for quality over quantity by suggesting to go to a dirty-local-crowded-cheap-cost market for shopping.
• Weigh-up their takes on the most disagreeing topics. By exploring the most controversial topics until you come across a subject that you both find most conflicting.
  
  Being civil, good at listening, weighing the pros and cons of a subject in discussion, being unbiased in making decisions, being a bull when provoked for having healthy arguments which brings out the intellectual thinking in both of you and finding avenues for compromises as soon as the topic drifts away from its predefined boundaries. One needs to be good at identifying a common ground for both parties to agree upon while still fighting for their stand in reasonable cases, and laughing off the unimportant ones. Take care not to lose control of their emotions by making hurtful personal attacks or generalizations. Do not take on guilt or other negative emotions instead of discussing things logically. Ensure not to hold personal grudges to be held-back for future-stabbing purposes.
  
  Needless to say, no one sane would recommend you to shove all of these into a single meeting with your potential partner (well, not unless you want a purple striped cheek), but the hypothesis is pretty simple if you look at it: life is both too long and too short to suffer through noxious relationships. The sooner we have an accurate read on someone, the better. Rather than hoping for the best and getting trapped in relationships you are unwilling to end due to guilt and indolence, you can test drive using a few specific situations and get a taste of what’s awaiting. One could realize how revealing the above scenarios were while traveling, as they came up geologically with the inevitable mix-ups and occasional bouts of bad luck. It makes one to wonder, if you can go about glimpsing someone’s true personality in a more reliable way? That said, there is no need to organize bad service at a restaurant, for example, if you can achieve the same output doing something fun but uncontrolled. A good long weekend of getting lost with someone will reveal most of the character you need to see. Just ensure you expose them to adverse conditions or awkward situations, to make the best of it.
  Most people spend a lot of time planning their weekends than the status or importance of their relationships. Don’t be the one to commit the same mistake. You are an average of the kind of people you associate yourself with most. Make your choices to reflect the wisdom you possess.

To You...

Do you want to know if I need you?
Yes, forever...
Do you want to know if I dream?
Yes, it’s full of you….
Do you want to know if I miss you?
Yes, even when I am with you…
Do you want to know if I’ll leave you?
No, never...
Do you want to know what I value?
It is you...
Do you want to know if I love you?
Yes, I do.
Do you want to know if I’ll ever forget you?
Only when I am dead….Cos, I am leaving you behind!

PMT?

Its not pacific mean time.... its not pre-menstural-tension either..... well ugggh.... ya it is pre marital tension....

It is true that life after marriage is a set of adjustments, amendments & a box of other assorted adjectives which suitably fits-in as a righteous clan member of such a weird family tree.
Once a Limbo... always a limbo.... in a no-man's land as of now... maybe more to come shortly..... will get cathartic soon, as I hope it would sure turn out to be!

Thought: Building Castles in Thin Air!

This morning when I happened to check my yahoo account for new emails after about a week’s break, this one with a subject “A NOTE FROM Dr. XYZ – PLS READ CAREFULLY” caught my attention. Although I heard six warning bells inside my head blaring-out, all at once; vociferous enough to deafen my ears, each of them coming from each one of the six senses that I supposedly possess, all I had to do was to temporarily tap it to a silent mode to get on to a fast-forward mode. With the six folks now glaring at me sordidly huddled in one dusty corner….I went about clicking on the subject line to get to the details of this most creepiest of mails sitting innocently in my inbox posted as on Nov 10th 2007.
With the crazy globe on the top right corner of my browser revolving at the speed of a tortoise’s gait and the message on the status bar below showing as:

Opening page ShowLetterId? MsgID=45676545X&hgklsrydddggg……..

I waited for 30 raring-to-go seconds tapping my fingers restlessly on the key board tray….
And then suddenly, just when I stopped tapping, the status bar lit up with a set of green colored square boxes progressing slowly to demonstrate a flourish of activity happening at the background leaving me at the edge of my seat… all the more inquisitive and a bit jittery about what could really be awaiting inside that most curious looking email (or so I thought it looked).

Quarter past another minute, cursing the ISP under my breath, there lands the response page I was looking for…..with a throbbing heart and trembling fingers, constricted eyes strained to its maximum elasticity to read the smallest size of the font that was used to draft the below mail; I was reading out loud……..

Dear Friend,Though this approach appears desperate,difficulties encountered in efforts to establish abusiness abroad necessitate this search forsomeone to assist me in securing and investingthe sum of USD18,000,000 (eighteen million dollars)deposited in my name abroad.By way of summarized profile of myself, I amDr. XYZ a 64years old lady and thewife of Mr. ABC (former head ofstate and President of East Timor).
From past experiences, many people I had regarded as close friendsand relatives has capitalize on my family'stravail to run away with my money. In order to avert thisnegative development, I in conjunction with myson now seek your permission to allow us do aCHANGE OF OWNERSHIP/REASSIGNMENT OFCREDIT of stated funds from the deposit company toyour name, so that the funds (US$18million)would be released to you as the BENEFICIARY (onbehalf of me and my family).Our family trusteehave secretly protected the deposit, you are toassist us to lay claims of the funds with the aidof all legal documents that will be forwarded toyou as time goes on. If you agree to help,we shall discuss the disbursement ratio in ournext correspondence after we have beenacquainted.
I have decided to offer 20% of the above sumto anyone who assists us to secure this fundsoverseas or 20% share for possible help oninvesting in any reliable venture.No doubt this proposal will make youapprehensive, please I employ you to observeutmost confidentiality and rest assured that thistransaction would be most profitable for both ofus.PLEASE INDICATE YOUR INTEREST BY RESPONDING TOMY ALTERNATIVE EMAILADDRESS
Email:xtzabc6465@yahoo.com
WITH THE FOLLOWING INFO:Your full name and addressYour telephone/fax numbers.Once I receive this information, my son willprepare the necessary documents that will putyou in place as the new owner of the funds. Themoney will then be released to your custody bythe Deposit Company.Awaiting your swift response.Sincerely yours,Dr. Mrs XYZ.Email: xtzabc6465@yahoo.com.
Awwwwwhhhh!!! 20% of $18 Million is how much?????
Quickly & swiftly my hands reach up to the windows à run à calc + Enter, & I type in the figures to see the magical numbers of my astounding future, It stood gleefully at $3,600,000 (Three Million Six Hundred Thousand Dollars)!!!

Approximately about 14,40,00,000 – Indian Rupeees!!!! :-O:-O:-O

Fourteen odd CRORES?!?!?! ………

OH MY GOD!
OH MY GOD!!
OHHHH MYYY GODDD!!!!

My pinched myself hard to see if this wasn’t a dream!!! Or if I was at the threshold of some treasure hunt game or in any case at a place where I should be After-Death!
Nope. None of the above.

Very much alive and kicking and sitting in front of my age old computer and off-putting internet connection that blinks forever to scare the hell out of me as if to mean “I-might-die-anytime-now”!.

Hmmmm…such an unbelievable twist-in-the-story for a below average, less than mundane, morbid low level life on a bright Wednesday morning…

I wasn’t sure which one of the following emotions were racing past the other to hit the red band first,

Contended?
Dumbfound?
Flabbergasted?
Shocked?
Surprised?
Stunned?
Spellbound?
Speechless?
Taken Aback?
Traumatized?

You bet, I was hit by all of them almost at once and it was quite a feeling, pretty much unexplainable for me in those desperate milliseconds of fighting for words…..

I was 2 feet above the ground looking for my mom to tell her that she needs to start seeing a multi-millionaire Groom for me and not a 7,8,9 or10 LPA earning silly, boring and lifeless software pro!

Ah! These are just froth bubbles out of the soap water aren’t they…?

“Hey GOD!!! Are you listening to me at all???? Why can’t someone knock some sense into this silly girl’s dumb-head????”

I heard my heart screaming on top of its voice at the almighty, just when I was about to tap my mom’s shoulder to tell her about this eventful email this morning!

Thoughtfully.............................Me!

Thought: Importance of Meetings!

As we all wait for the meeting to begin, the precarious moments of the next hour looms large in front of us, with sweaty palms, shaking legs, tapping ID cards, drumming fingers, paper cones cleaning the ears, chewing of the gums, dancing pens, scribbling on the paper, rolling the paper weight or even doing some eye-exercise to release the stress or fight-out your sleep; are some of the most noticeable actions that we see in the meeting room. These meetings never seem to get anywhere is also an opinion that’s widely heard across many organizations.

Moreover, half the people attending the meeting seem distracted and the other half frustrated. The distracted lot keep checking their watches once in every 10 seconds while the frustrated ones keep thinking about their receding hair lines.

And then we hear our host begin, clearing his throat in the most clichéd rhythm,
Now, we’ve been meeting every week for months and the purpose seems to have gotten lost as I see no progress on the milestones that we must have met long since!

And then suddenly you ask yourself, "Darn, How did we get here and what can be done about it? And most of all, who invented these meetings anyway? Of all the days, why should it be on this very day when I must leave by 3pm to pick up my kid from the school as she returns from her excursion after a long week?"

Your feeling of dread deepens as you momentarily recall that . . . you're supposed to be the driving this meeting and you are the one who must take the MOM (Minutes of the Meeting) and also run this meeting during your host’s absence.

Well, now block all thoughts that belong to the outside world of those glass doors and confine your thought processes to the crux of the very discussion that you are getting into.

• First things first, Being on time for the meetings is like learning “A for Apple” so don’t do any mistakes on that one!

• Try to be a leader and take charge of the situation no matter wherever or however important you are in the meeting.

• Identify exactly what you want to expect in each of these meetings and do keep a check if these are accomplished and is catering to the needs of the participants.

• You have been invited for a meeting, simply means that your presence is deemed to serve some purpose.

• A meeting is where the most critical and significant information is shared across teams and key decisions are made on mutual consensus and unanimous approvals.

• Make it known to everyone in the forum that each person is expected to contribute.

• Set a clear tone as to who’s responsible for what and by when. If not met make the defaulter run the meetings next time onwards until they see that the expectations are met 100%.(just an idea, can be anything instead that’s bound to the practical feasibility of the system, audience and organization)

• Remind yourself that it's your responsibility to make sure everyone is engaged and energized by the discussions and by the purpose of the meeting.

• Meetings that are regular, focused, appropriate and timely are always welcome for the success of a team and organization on the whole.

• Paying attention to the meeting is probably one of most vital things that many should work on as there could be potentially a lot of take-away’s that we may tend to miss out on!

• Creating an experience that makes each participant to think of your meetings as necessary and valuable could probably be one of the best gifts one can ask for!

To be a true leader, Appreciations at the right time, indication of the issues & identification of risks upfront including corrective measures or suggestions for the same at the right time and right place, to top it all with regular motivational pep talks, nurturing the ownership mentality with in the team and plunging-in to resolve issues by rolling-up your sleeves when the times call for it are all the prerequisites!

When someone is all of the above, automatically the Leader in him rises to a pinnacle and then there are no mistakes after that!

When ten people gather under one roof to discuss ideas, that’s where a lot of Newton’s are reborn, to make it sound more relevant in a Software jargon, let’s get together regularly and without fail to bring out the hidden “Bill Gates” in us!

At the same time, Let’s also throw-in our feedback if a meeting is not effective, Be the first to start it!

For someone wisely said, “Treading the beaten path is no fun, when I can lay my own new road!”

So, Junta please attend your meetings!!!! J

Signing off,
On a Meeting Note

Thought:Think Different!

It is what we often fail to notice everytime we falter in something that we took up to succeed and come out with flying-colors. It is the deceit of the inherent belief in the task taken up by us, that's pre-defined and pre-designed and even pre-expected only to succeed, but no failures!

That definitely is now on the contrary to what we have been fed-enough to go by the ancient adage"Give your best and Be prepared for the worst to come!"

Having said that, its quite a common belief to tread a beaten path which is perhaps safe.But, sometimes it could be uninspiring too. Always tracing a known path will get you results that are already experienced and expected. The outcome of walking through an used corridor is never going to be phenomenal. For those of us who want to be different, be noticed and who want to achieve success in life, the secret lies in daring to be different.

Deep down, all of us want to be known for something exceptional, something unique and something that identifies us on a podium amidst the mundane crowd. This is an inherent human attitude by nature. We see it manifested in our attitude towards our style of living, among other things. It is an attitude that should be harnessed and utilized in the right direction to ensure that it is reflected in our personal and professional growth rather in procuring material acquisitions. The first step in this direction lies in thinking differently. All of us go out everyday and see various things. Some people manage to find deep inspiration in ordinary things that they see. On many occasions, the outcome of this inspiration has proved invaluable to mankind.

For instance consider this example, that’s awe-inspiring to read, but which has immeasurable amounts of pains and failures attached to it to make it a reality as what we see it today:
The employees of the US Census Bureau were going about their work of taking the census count. One particular employee, Herman Hollerith, when travelling by train, noticed a train conductor punching tickets. He perceived that simple everyday occurrence, witnessed by thousands of people daily, differently and it started him on a chain of thoughts. The result of the practical application of his thoughts was an invention that would help in his work of tabulating census reports. This invention was the tabulating machine designed by him in the year 1890. Once his invention proved useful and popular he started a firm to market it. Initially known as the Tabulating Machine Company, it went on to become the renowned IBM - International Business Machines Corporation! (Source: tobeyourbest/Abridged version/IBM Archives)

This ability to perceive things differently can be developed over a period of time. However, it is essential not to attach too much of importance towards having a positive and beneficial outcome. Each and every outcome need not be sensationally outstanding. One should be prepared to deal with disappointments and take them in their stride. Dwelling on attempts that have borne not so successful results would only create a feeling of depression and sadness. So one should be able to rise above it and make a renewed attempt from an entirely different angle.

The secret goes in here! Many times, disappointments have led people to make revisions or improvisations that have eventually led to phenomenal success. Well, even if we did not get phenomenal results, let's look for newer avenues in the failed venture and if there isn't any that is apparent, do not hesitate to look for something else to do. Do not let one failed project or attempt ruin your spirits for a lifetime!

After all that’s not what life’s all about!!

Always remember the adage "Great people do not do different things, they simply do things differently". A different perception is bound to result in a creative solution. A good way to increase this particular skill would be do the usual things that you do in a slightly different manner from time to time. For all you know you might discover a more efficient way of doing the same thing!!

That’s a point to ponder for all of us!