Thought: The Art of Saying "NO"

If you are one of those, that have difficulties in expressing a negative reply or a rejection to a group or single person, Welcome Aboard! :=)
I have tried a set of small, but useful experiments in my life and it had turned fruitful, on 98/100 situations. Well, on the other two occasions I didn't even give it a try! :=) (Meaning, I just gave in to it!)

As most people think, Saying ‘No’ is not just an art, but is also an etiquette. And it is also important how you say it. You should be able to deny or reject politely without hurting the person at whom your refusal is aimed. You may wonder why this is important. Well, put yourself in the other person’s shoes (let's forget the sizes here ;-) ) and think, what would you prefer – a rude refusal or a polite and courteous one? Undoubtedly the latter.
As it has been said – “Do unto other what you would have others do unto you.”
Be courteous is the protocol to follow. The reasons for your refusals may vary in a sizeable manner from being a minuscle ripple effect as that of a small stone thrown in a pond to an adverse tsunami effect caused by natural calamity in the Oceans. Ideally, you must adapt to the situation and act accordingly. However, it is essential to keep the basic governing rule the same – be courteous. There is no need to alter your stand if you are justified in refusing. If you are convinced of your justifications, be firm in your refusal but try not to hurt a fellow human being with harsh words.... Absolutely, but for how long before you loose control of your temperament, when the other person turns completely deaf ears to you and to top it all, is tossing out an indifferent stance towards you. This is the most important point, where in all of us tend to tremble being at the threshold of our temper check...end result - slash out with harsh words, throw out things, shout, scream out, yell at the top of your vioce, give up and walk away quietly....How many of us actually have been at the best of our cool to handle these situations with ease?
How many of us actually know, how to deal with people, especially when it comes to a denial being put out to them in a not-so hurtful manner?
How many of us have actually been successful in saying a "No" without hurting the other person?
Take this situation, for example. Sue had applied for a job interview and got her call fixed on a monday. Unfortunately, she meets with an accident over the weekend and is unable to attend this interview call. She calls up the HR of the organization to inform that she wouldnt be able to make it to the call as scheduled.
The HR person of the organization, being an elderly lady, took advantage of Sue's young age and responded back rudely. “Do you not have sense? What kind of accident can have you make you a phone call to us to inform but not come and appear for the same? If you were really not interested in applying for this job, then you shouldn't have, why do younger generation of these days have such a reckless attitude towards everything in life, I don't understand it. Just because you met with an accident is not going to make you invalid I am sure, why don't you let someone accompany you and attend the interview personally as planned?
I know you won't do that, as this was all a silly game that people like you love to play, fix an appointment and keep cancelling it as if we are here to entertain you all your lives.
You are behaving like uncouth villagers and not like the educated people."
Sue was very hurt and didn't have words to say and apologized over and over... All of it in vain as call was disconnected soon.
Problem here is that, Sue's recent bereavement was made out to be a matter of no consequence, which would have hurt her terribly. Moreover, the after-effects of an unpleasant encounter leave bitter feelings in their wake for everyone.

Monitor your thoughts and your words, as words once said cannot be taken back and unpleasant memories last long. We humans are essentially tender and sensitive, regardless of the tough exterior that many of us exhibit. And words are the sharpest weapons that can pierce the toughest exterior and cause an unseen wound that would take a long time to heal. It is thus extremely essential that the words that we utter should not cause harm to the sensitivity of another person. And it is not very difficult to watch your words either. The words we utter are a direct manifestation of the thoughts teeming in our mind. So it is your thoughts that you have to steer on the right course.
When faced with the task of conveying an unpleasant message of refusal, press the pause button, collect your thoughts, let compassion for the other govern your thoughts but not alter your stand. Now when you speak, your words will reflect the compassion you feel even while you are communicating a negative message. ............. Isn't it pretty difficult for a real life scenario? Sure is.....but not when you have practised it!
Refusal when implied in gentle words falls easy on the ears and the other person will be able to see your point of view. Always remember, the person will be disappointed on hearing a refusal as is, do not compound his distress by being rude and impolite, cos what you give is what you get, remember Nicolaus Copernicus who figured ages ago that the Earth has a planetary motion to go around the Sun....! (Doesn't it mean, what goes-around comes-around too? ;-) )

Thought: How Do You Relate To Your Partner?

• Sometimes you need to make a lot of friends and influence or attract people with your spontaneous indulgence of quick wits and on-the-fly-street-smartness.
  Other times, you should just test drive them and push their buttons, to see their real performance.
  
  The art of irritation can, in fact, be just as valuable as the art of persuasion. How so? Let’s start with the problem: people are good liars and actors…but remember, only up to a point where in they have reached the saturation point, where-in the elasticity gives-up snapping at your face smugly.
  
  What if it were possible to fast-forward relationships, whether with new friends, business partners, or romances?
  
  What if in a mad pace life’s frames just roll by to get past the celebratory fascia of minutiae and let us see their true tendencies underneath all those bitter-sweety or sweet-poisony relationships?
  
  I’ve been experimenting with methods of “Tearing the veil apart” or “Ripping the mask off” as you might say, and after all those back-breaking, mind-numbing, number-crunching statistical bar graphs and pie charts that I had to come-up with on “Behavioral Analysis of Male Sapiens”, I here by conclude that, this test can be carried out successfully without having to pawn out your entire life, in the process of understanding or getting to know each other completely, just like those underdone blocks of bricks staggering all the way through their life, until the last minute, being under a stumbling down building. A hedgehog must know better than to befriend a fox and get peed on before getting preyed on!
  
  Relationships comes out with a price-tag of supreme attention and time, and I would rather want only those people in my life, whose personalities and intentions will uplift and strengthen me instead of draining and demoralizing me.
  
  Identifying problems early begins with recognizing a banality:
  
  Dealing with adversities doesn’t primarily build one’s character— it ONLY reveals it.
  Therefore, by putting someone under pressure or in a difficult situation, you can pull back those glossy and dazzling outer covers and get a glimpse of what’s lying beneath, that would surface a few months or years down the line. And because little things are smaller samplings of the big boulder sized things, you can always choose to do the Sampling Test.
  
  These tests may include simple things like,
  
• Judging how they react to last minute changes in your dinner/date plans.
• Gauging their reactions to sudden/unexpected monetary crisis situations, like making them pay for your treat in the last minute, as you realize and apologize profusely that you have forgotten your wallet at home. As the adage goes, some wonderful human beings turn into irrational idiots for matters involving few bucks.
• Testing their patience at public places where-in you have to wait for long to get your turn for the service in a Q-line or at a restaurant.
• Trying to figure how they react to a loud-mouthed or dominating family member of yours.
• Evaluate their biases against specific races and social classes, which are usually fast to emerge after there is any unexpected physical contact. Take them somewhere extremely crowded where they’ll be inadvertently bumped, preferably where they are exposed to people of different races and of lower socio-economic classes.
• Assess their determination for hygiene, sanitation and need for quality over quantity by suggesting to go to a dirty-local-crowded-cheap-cost market for shopping.
• Weigh-up their takes on the most disagreeing topics. By exploring the most controversial topics until you come across a subject that you both find most conflicting.
  
  Being civil, good at listening, weighing the pros and cons of a subject in discussion, being unbiased in making decisions, being a bull when provoked for having healthy arguments which brings out the intellectual thinking in both of you and finding avenues for compromises as soon as the topic drifts away from its predefined boundaries. One needs to be good at identifying a common ground for both parties to agree upon while still fighting for their stand in reasonable cases, and laughing off the unimportant ones. Take care not to lose control of their emotions by making hurtful personal attacks or generalizations. Do not take on guilt or other negative emotions instead of discussing things logically. Ensure not to hold personal grudges to be held-back for future-stabbing purposes.
  
  Needless to say, no one sane would recommend you to shove all of these into a single meeting with your potential partner (well, not unless you want a purple striped cheek), but the hypothesis is pretty simple if you look at it: life is both too long and too short to suffer through noxious relationships. The sooner we have an accurate read on someone, the better. Rather than hoping for the best and getting trapped in relationships you are unwilling to end due to guilt and indolence, you can test drive using a few specific situations and get a taste of what’s awaiting. One could realize how revealing the above scenarios were while traveling, as they came up geologically with the inevitable mix-ups and occasional bouts of bad luck. It makes one to wonder, if you can go about glimpsing someone’s true personality in a more reliable way? That said, there is no need to organize bad service at a restaurant, for example, if you can achieve the same output doing something fun but uncontrolled. A good long weekend of getting lost with someone will reveal most of the character you need to see. Just ensure you expose them to adverse conditions or awkward situations, to make the best of it.
  Most people spend a lot of time planning their weekends than the status or importance of their relationships. Don’t be the one to commit the same mistake. You are an average of the kind of people you associate yourself with most. Make your choices to reflect the wisdom you possess.

To You...

Do you want to know if I need you?
Yes, forever...
Do you want to know if I dream?
Yes, it’s full of you….
Do you want to know if I miss you?
Yes, even when I am with you…
Do you want to know if I’ll leave you?
No, never...
Do you want to know what I value?
It is you...
Do you want to know if I love you?
Yes, I do.
Do you want to know if I’ll ever forget you?
Only when I am dead….Cos, I am leaving you behind!